Why is the woman scared to death? And if she’s so scared, why does she let the frightening cheese man live in her fridge? Does his magic cheese fingers change her mind, or is he really damn good in bed? I have a feeling it’s a mix of the two.

More insanity:

I’d kill to have Bruce Lee come back from the grave but not so he can teach a bloody class. The man was built to beat up silly bitches, not to educate our children! And one more thing: why is it necessary for announcers in Japanese ads to scream? They all do, and it’s annoying. You use your indoor voice, crazy Japanese announcer man.

Freakin’ Japan. It’s great place to visit, but only for a very short time.

We dun tol' ya yer gonna get raped.

Read this dumbass story about Arizona lawmen chasing aliens down to Mexico in 1889, then imagine what really happened: those poor aliens were raped. I know it, you know it, everybody bloody well knows it. Those aliens sure know it, as do their butts.

What you see here is some crazy old fool, dressed in a Satan-cum-runner outfit, speeding alongside a surely-gay French bicyclist. Further proof, ladies and gentlemen, that France was created by the Devil and should thus be avoided. These are people that think peddling on a piece of metal with wheels for days on end is a bloody sport. No, France, that isn’t a sport—that’s torture.

What a bunch of masochists. I bet this devil guy beats his junk nightly with a red-hot poker in one hand, singing “Revelations 22:20″ and patting his belly with the other. Meanwhile, a Parisian prostitute kicks his face with stiletto heels, smoking one of those ridiculous French cigarettes that look like African baby penises, berating the devil guy all the while. Being a sick freak, the devil guy loves every minute of it.

See kids, this is why France must be destroyed. Do me a favor: punch the next douche bag you see wearing a beret. I don’t care if the guy turns out to be an American Marine—do it, and do it with a hearty laugh!

Are you gonna eat that tray?

I get that you're supposed to devour a lot of carbs for wrestling, but this is ridiculous.

Looks like something Louis Anderson crapped out after a night at the Sizzler.

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

And now the coup de foudre:

That dude's neck is gonna crack. You'll likely hear it, no matter your location.

What kind of parent allows a child to get to such a state? Parents of that sort deserve a slow and painful death—the kind of death their children face.

Posted in Creatures, Finds, Images, People Tagged: fat, fat babies, fat children, fat creature, fat kids, fat monster, fatties, fatty, fatty fat fatty ]]> http://strangenotions.wordpress.com/2009/07/14/fatties-beware/feed/ 0 Adam R. fat_kid Fat wrestling thing Alf Fatty The Devil Indian Fatty http://strangenotions.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/your-worst-nightmare/ http://strangenotions.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/your-worst-nightmare/#comments Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:31:12 +0000 Adam http://strangenotions.wordpress.com/?p=77 ]]> Watch this trailer first so you have a frame of reference, then read the article. Seriously, watch this and try not to crap yourself.

Earlier I saw this tweet from indie horror director and all-around cool dude Joe Lynch:

“Just woke up from a dream that Mike Tyson was the star of Lars Von Trier’s ANTICHRIST. It was fucking terrifying. Gonna be hard to top that.”

My brain pretty much crapped out of my butt. I had to respond:

“I would pay top dollar to see that version of the movie right bloody now. No joke.”

And I would. Mike Tyson in an experimental horror film by Lars Von bloody Trier? I’d drop what I’m doing right now just to see that. I’d drive across the country—hitchhiking if necessary—just to see such a wonderfully insane film.

Lynch responds:

“no lie. It was fucking balls-out disturbing and kept waking me up in shivers. No matter what the real film is, it won’t compare..”

Now I feel compelled to get this movie made myself. I’ll pool all of my resources, steal others if I must, and coerce as many poor suckers into helping as possible. This movie must be made! Sure, Willem Dafoe is a fine actor, but wouldn’t you prefer to see Antichrist with Tyson playing the lead male? If you answer “no,” pull an Oedipus and stab your damn eyes out. Thanks.

C’mon, potential investors and crazy moneybags, let’s get this surely-doomed-to-fail train wreck rolling!

Run, children, before you start smoking the reefer!

Please kill me.

Why do we allow a tired and withered old man to represent us? Is this really how we want the world to imagine us?

Well, maybe not quite like that, but you get the idea. Old Uncle Sam is a cliché that needs to die a quick and painless death—right bloody now.

America needs new representation. We need somebody who depicts the way America looks and feels today. We need someone other nations will see and say, Yep, that’s America. And I think I know who that someone is, ladies and gents. Care to know?

This, gentle readers, is the new and true face of America.

The basic premise: Flickchart presents you with two movies. You choose which of the two you would prefer to watch. It doesn’t matter if one movie is technically better than the other; choose what you actually watch if presented with the two movies in real life.

Sometimes the choice is easy. For instance, I was presented with The Matrix versus K-Pax. Because I’m not stupid or Martian, I chose The Matrix. Other times, however, Flickchart presents you with a damned difficult decision. What you see below is one I just had to face.

Crap.

I enjoyed The Passion of the Christ from an artistic point of view, but it’s not exactly a pop-in-and-play kind of film. Superbad—as raunchy and ridiculous as it is—is highly re-watchable. Thus, I chose Superbad, and probably a direct path to the Dark Pit of Eternal Despair.

Oh well. At least I got a few good laughs before the Flames of Perdition welcomed me to my afterlife home.