Japan: Full of Freaks
Posted by: Adam on: July 22, 2009
What the hell is wrong with Japan? There’s plenty to love about the Little Nation That Could, but there’s a crapton more that’s wrong. For example:
Why is the woman scared to death? And if she’s so scared, why does she let the frightening cheese man live in her fridge? Does his magic cheese fingers change her mind, or is he really damn good in bed? I have a feeling it’s a mix of the two.
More insanity:
I’d kill to have Bruce Lee come back from the grave but not so he can teach a bloody class. The man was built to beat up silly bitches, not to educate our children! And one more thing: why is it necessary for announcers in Japanese ads to scream? They all do, and it’s annoying. You use your indoor voice, crazy Japanese announcer man.
Freakin’ Japan. It’s great place to visit, but only for a very short time.
Rape in Mexico
Posted by: Adam on: July 18, 2009
We dun tol' ya yer gonna get raped.
Read this dumbass story about Arizona lawmen chasing aliens down to Mexico in 1889, then imagine what really happened: those poor aliens were raped. I know it, you know it, everybody bloody well knows it. Those aliens sure know it, as do their butts.
The Devil Hearts France
Posted by: Adam on: July 15, 2009
What you see here is some crazy old fool, dressed in a Satan-cum-runner outfit, speeding alongside a surely-gay French bicyclist. Further proof, ladies and gentlemen, that France was created by the Devil and should thus be avoided. These are people that think peddling on a piece of metal with wheels for days on end is a bloody sport. No, France, that isn’t a sport—that’s torture.
What a bunch of masochists. I bet this devil guy beats his junk nightly with a red-hot poker in one hand, singing “Revelations 22:20″ and patting his belly with the other. Meanwhile, a Parisian prostitute kicks his face with stiletto heels, smoking one of those ridiculous French cigarettes that look like African baby penises, berating the devil guy all the while. Being a sick freak, the devil guy loves every minute of it.
See kids, this is why France must be destroyed. Do me a favor: punch the next douche bag you see wearing a beret. I don’t care if the guy turns out to be an American Marine—do it, and do it with a hearty laugh!
Fatties Beware
Posted by: Adam on: July 14, 2009
Death is coming for these people. No, I’m not just being an asshole. The human heart can only stand so much fat smothering it before it gives out.
Are you gonna eat that tray?
Your Worst Nightmare
Posted by: Adam on: July 9, 2009
Watch this trailer first so you have a frame of reference, then read the article. Seriously, watch this and try not to crap yourself.
Earlier I saw this tweet from indie horror director and all-around cool dude Joe Lynch:
“Just woke up from a dream that Mike Tyson was the star of Lars Von Trier’s ANTICHRIST. It was fucking terrifying. Gonna be hard to top that.”
My brain pretty much crapped out of my butt. I had to respond:
“I would pay top dollar to see that version of the movie right bloody now. No joke.”
And I would. Mike Tyson in an experimental horror film by Lars Von bloody Trier? I’d drop what I’m doing right now just to see that. I’d drive across the country—hitchhiking if necessary—just to see such a wonderfully insane film.
Today’s PSA
Posted by: Adam on: July 7, 2009
Watch Fraggle Rock and you too can enjoy what the old folks call a good, sweet, old-fashioned brain rape.
Run, children, before you start smoking the reefer!
A Better Mascot
Posted by: Adam on: July 4, 2009
Please kill me.
Why do we allow a tired and withered old man to represent us? Is this really how we want the world to imagine us?
Well, maybe not quite like that, but you get the idea. Old Uncle Sam is a cliché that needs to die a quick and painless death—right bloody now.
America needs new representation. We need somebody who depicts the way America looks and feels today. We need someone other nations will see and say, Yep, that’s America. And I think I know who that someone is, ladies and gents. Care to know?
This, gentle readers, is the new and true face of America.
See Ya In Hell, Conan O’Brien
Posted by: Adam on: July 3, 2009
When Flickchart officially opens for non-awesome folk, such people need to sign up immediately. Flickchart is just that cool.
The basic premise: Flickchart presents you with two movies. You choose which of the two you would prefer to watch. It doesn’t matter if one movie is technically better than the other; choose what you actually watch if presented with the two movies in real life.
Sometimes the choice is easy. For instance, I was presented with The Matrix versus K-Pax. Because I’m not stupid or Martian, I chose The Matrix. Other times, however, Flickchart presents you with a damned difficult decision. What you see below is one I just had to face.
Crap.
I enjoyed The Passion of the Christ from an artistic point of view, but it’s not exactly a pop-in-and-play kind of film. Superbad—as raunchy and ridiculous as it is—is highly re-watchable. Thus, I chose Superbad, and probably a direct path to the Dark Pit of Eternal Despair.
Oh well. At least I got a few good laughs before the Flames of Perdition welcomed me to my afterlife home.
